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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 







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"EXERBITION" 



OF 



^e ©eestpi©k fjkcale 



FIFTY YEAKS AGO 



f riQ€ One Collar. 



FOR SALE BY 

MRS. M. H. JAQUITH, 

Topeka, - Kansas. 



* * 



EXERBITION" 



OF 



fye ©eestpi©k l>kule 



-OF- 



FIFTY YEARS AGO 



BY M. H. JAQUITH. 



COPYKIGHTED 1890, BY M. H. JAQUITH. 



f riee: One Dollar. 



FOR SALE BY 

MES. M. H. JAQUITH, 

Topeka, - Kansas. 



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EXERBITIONJ" 

OF 

<Btya ©ee§tF!©k Skcale 

-or- 

FIFTY YEAES AGO. 

The "Exerbition" was supposed to be the winding up of every well-con 
ducted "Skule", and followed the "las' day". But as this program may fall 
in the hands of some who have not "Kep Skule",.! repeat the suggestions 
for names, dress, etc, premising that wherever the "las' day" has been ob- 
served, the same scholars with their aliases should be brought in again. 

Take old-time family names, Bradford, Bassett, Hartshorn, Pettibone, 
Peterkin, Potts, Snodgrass, Honeysuckle, and of course Smith and Brown. 

For the boys, Hezekiah, Jeremiah, Philander Soloman, Timothy, Salva - 
tion, Experience, Salvation, etc: girls, Patience, Temperance, Prudence, 
Priscilla, Jerusha, Betsy and Charity : Sally Ann, Polly Ann and Hannah 
Maria, with no nicknames, but always called in full, both girls and boys. 

But names of noted men and women, both national and sectional, should 
be introduced, as Benjamin Franklin, Grover Cleveland, and Susan Antho- 
ny, since they help to make a point. Mike O'Flynn and Biddy his sister, 
an English boy whose hs "ave han hinfirimity", and in a German commu- 
nity a Dutch boy, help the make-up of the Skule. 

The older well-known citizens, who "went to Skule" in those days should 
be the scholars as far as possible; they will take to it naturally, enjoy the 
rehearsals, and the middle-aged women will not object to pantalets, as do 
the girls who often rather sacrifice the proprieties of dress than not to look 
pretty! 

For they must wear high-necked, long-sleeved aprons ; or dresses cut 
half-way high in the neck, (all dresses were then made to open in the 
back of the waist,) with small tie-aprons, one width calico three-fourths of 
a yard long, and pantalets, white, seeing it is a full-dress occasion ; with 
strings of gold or glass beads for the neck, gold and bead finger-rings, ex- 
changed and examined; mitts may be worn on the hands; a little silk or 
beaded hand-bag for the handkerchief was the correct thing, or pin a red, 
yellow or white handkerchief by the exact center to the apron or dress- 
waist. 

The hair on each side of the head may be braided back down the fore- 
head, then united with one or two braids at the back to hang down, or 



4 EXEBBITTON OF THE DEESTRICK SETTLE. 

wound round the head and tied at the top, or pinned across the back of 
the head, with ribbons abundant ; or it may be in little braids all over the 
head a narrow ribbon flying at the end of each. The larger girls may 
comb the hair smoothly back and twist in a tight, high knot held in place 
with a comb. Sunbonnets or hoods for the girls and the small bovs. 

The little boys can wear gingham or blue denim aprons or calico waists ; 
the larger, checked or calico shirts, with pantaloons held up by one sus- 
pender or a string; a "frock" made of flannel or denim, exactly like a long 
shirt, except being sewed down the sides to the bottom, with full sleeves 
in a wristband, and a belt to fasten it at the waist will be recognized bv 
many an old settler as a part of his childhood's toggery: a full-dress suit 
all in one piece, cut like night-drawers, of denim or jeans, was a handy and 
common style. In these days of close-cropped hair a long-haired wig 
makes the boy much more like him of fifty years ago, whose mother after 
combing his hair straight down all round put a big bowl over it and bang- 
ed it! 

It is better for the "Marster" to be smooth-shaven, and he should wear 
a wig; a tall hat, bright vest, low-cut, a high stock holding a sharp point- 
ed collar close to his chin ; with swallow-tail coat, under the tails of which 
his hands are held when he "strikes an attitude", a huge silver watch often 
consulted, two or three quill pens behind his ears, he is an imposing ped- 
agogue 

If a "SkuleMarm" presides, let every hair be combed from her forehead 
and twisted in a tight knot behind held by a large shell comb. Or it may 
be parted, the front hair brought low at the side of the face front of the 
ears, then lifted over them and twisted round the back-knot If I am not 
understood "ask your grandmother". She may use spectacles, pushed up 
on her forehead part of the time : wear a worsted or silk dress with a black 
silk apron; beads, ear-rings and a "bosom-pin" of generous size are a make- 
up for her. 

The first scene represents them coming, the school only, for the real 
audience can stand for the supposed one. If you imagine a winter-school 
closing there is snow on the ground, represented by white muslin. Cou- 
ples, lovers, were more apt to "take hold of hands" than to "lock arms:" 
they will brush the snow, (salt or clipped paper,) off each other's clothes 
as they disappear. Two boys can rehearse their pieces as thev cross the 
stage, each fearing he will forget, and one boy whining, "Farther said he'll 
lick me awful if I fergit a single word." The twin who looks after Bubbv 
will brush off his shoes, wipe his nose, smooth his hair, give him a little 
drill on his piece, etc. There should be a constant jingle of sleigh-bells 
in the distance: several children are dragged across the stage on sleds: 



EXBBBITION OF THE DEESTKICK SKULE. ') 

cottoD saow-balls with something hard inside will be tossed about: the little 
folks lead each other and if one slips and falls the others comfort him. 

When all are quietly in their seats the teacher gives them a talk on beha- 
vior for the evening, reminding them to speak loudly and plainly. Look- 
ing down on the crowd he announces "I notice Eev. Parson Crabtree and 
die committee-men in the aujience and respectfully invito them to set on 
the platform." Of course they will hesitate and one speaking for all avers 
-We'd jest as lives set in a less conspicerrous place", but will all go and af- 
ter much hand-shaking sit on the stage, but as they enter the scholars ali 
.rise and "make their manners"; for the girls a "courtesy," an abrupt squat 
and quick uprising: a sudden duck of the head for the bow of the boys 
though for variety it is a good idea to have some bow from the tips of their 
toes all the way up. Some one may forget his "manners" before speaking 
and when well-started another call out "Zekiel forgot 'is manners." and lit- 
is sent to his seat to try again: one may forget after his speech and go back 
of his own accord. There is also present one who will be introduced as the 
teacher from "a jining schnle destrick", who "remarks" at a suitable time. 

As adding to the interest it is well to have the visitor of the opposite sex 
to the teacher in charge: they are evidently "fond of each other" and come 
to the "Exerbition" together. 

The teacher announces very distinctly the name of speaker and subject 
Np;>ken or written upon; when the boy that stammers goes forward he says 

■•Timothy Tit comb will now speak on and I hope if he is 

so unfortunit as to stutter a little bit you will not be so rude as to laugh 
at him": and gives similar caution in regard to the girl that lisps or cries 
or giggles. 

Teacher. Mr. Committee-Men and fellow-teownsmen, the exercises of 
the evening will now commence with an original idear of my own; I will 
read a story to the children too small to write regoolar compersitions: they 
will write on their slates what they remember and read it in about half an 
hour. 

When George Washington, who has been called the Father of his Coun- 
try, was a little boy he had a new hatchet and one day he tried it on a nice 
cherry-tree. His father saw where the tree had been hacked and asked. 
"George, do you kuow who cut my cherry-tree'.-" Did George Washington 
tell a lie V Oh no indeed, he said bravely with a burst of tears, "I cannot 
tell a lie, father. I did it with my little hatchet." 

"Come to my arms, my son," cried his father. "I would rather have a hun- 
dred cherry-trees spoiled than have you tell a single lie." 

Results. 1. Georg Washinton is our father did he tell a lie no lie nev- 
er did he did it with is own littul hachit. 



6 EXEEBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

2. georg washentun was the farther of is contre hes farther sed did ye 
do if he sed i wood not lie i dun it with my Hat chit and then he busted is 
teers. 

o. George Washington is the father of our country and he did it with 
his hatchet was he a tryin to lay it on another feller O no he did not bell 
no lie he sayed I am the fellar that cant lie and bust into teers- 

4. The fawther of hez kuntry hez name was gorge Washertun an 
he chip away at hez fawthers cherrytre with hez hatcit an tole no lize a- 
bout it no indeedy he sed fawther i cant tell a big lie i chip part of it an 
hez fawther he did not lick im forrit but sed you may set in my lap dear 
bubby boy. 

5 The Father of his Country called him George Washington and his 
Father who give him that very hatchet asked who chopped inter my oher- 
rytree George busted all into tears and cried I darstent lie no he chop i + 
with bis pooty lettle hatchet His father then he spoke out come and get 
into my arms I drarther you chop one cherrvtree than tole a huuderd lies 

Have one reader spell out some of his words, and after all have read 
very slowly their slates will be handed to the committee and visiting teach- 
er for examination. 

Teacher. The next exercise will be the alphabel recited by — . 

Each child names his letter before reciting. 

A In Adam's fall We sin-ned all. 

B Thy life to mend This Book attend. 

The Cat doth play And after slay. 

J) The Dog will bite A thief by night. 

E The Eagle's flight Is out of sight, 

F The idle Fool Gets whipped at school. 

Irrepressible. I know, that was he got licked for kissi 

Girl. Wall I didn't want him to anyhow. 

G As runs the Glass Our life doth pass. 

II My book and Heart Must never part. 

J Job felt the rod Yet blessed his God. 

K Proud Kor ah' s troop Was swallowed np. 

L The Lion bold The lamb doth hold. 

M The Moon gives light In time of night. 

N Noah did view The old world and new. 

O The royal Oak It was the tree 
That saved his Royal Majesty. 

P Peter denied His Lord and cried. 

Q Queen Esther comes In royal state, 
To save the Jews From dismal fate. 



EXERBITION OF THE DEESTMCK SKULE. / 

R Young pious Ruth Left all for tratli. 

S Samuel did rejoice To hear God's voice. 

T Time cuts down all Both great and small. 

V Vashti for pride Was set aside. 

W Whales in the sea God's voice obey. 
X Xerxes did die And so must I. 

Y Youth's forward slips Death soonest nips. 
Z Zaccheus he Did climb a tree, 

His Lord and Master For to see. 

Tea. The next exercise will be a song by the little children. 

Very little things are we, Oh how mild we ought to be ; 
Never quarrel, never fight, That would be a shocking sight. 

Just like Dretty little lambs, Softly skipping by their dams, (class skips) 
We'll be gentle all the day, Love to learn as well as play. 

Very little things are we Oh how mild we ought to be. 

As to the evening's music, if one of the big boys plays a bass viol for 
accompaniment, it is in keeping with old times. "Little drops of water"; 

"Try, try again," words in Sanders' Sec. School Reader : "Flow gently 
sweet Afton" ; "The Old Oaken Bucket" and -Blue Juniata" were common 
songs. 

At some time the Irrepressible Twin will state "Say, Skule-Master, our 
own little Bubby's got a piece to sing all by hisself, but I'll hafto go an 
stan' side o' him coz he's kinder feared bein' so little you know. He's a 
goin to sing 'I wanter be a angil'." 

When Bubby is called she deliberately arranges his toilet and leads him 
out saying "Don't be afeared o' nothink, little Bubby, but sing orful good." 

He sings slowly, beats time by standing on his toes and dropping solid- 
ly on both heels, and makes the motions of putting a crown on his head 
and clutching a harp. At the end of the fourth line he is stage-strnck, ga- 
zes in his empty hands, breaks out crying, and after his sister gives up qui- 
eting him and leads him to a seat he buries his face in her lap. 

COMPERSITION ON BREATHING. v 

Breath is made of air ; we breathe with our lungs, our lights, our liver 
and kidney. If it wasn't for our breath Ave would die when we slep, but 
our breath keeps the life agoing through the nose when we are asleep; but 
we must take keer not to let our breath go through our mouth or we may 
get sick and even die. Boys that stay in a room ail day long should not 
breathe but wait till they get out doors where it is good air. Boys in a 
room make bad, unwholesome air. They make carbonicide and carbon- 



8 EXERBXTION OF THE DEESTRICK SKTJLE. 

ide is poisoner than mad dogs. A lot of soldiers was in a black hole in 
India, an a earbonicide got in that there hole and killed nearly every 
one afore morning. Girls hurt their breath with corosits that squeezes 
the diagram, so girls can't holler an run like boys because their diagram 
is squeezed too mnch. If I was a girl I'd ruther be a boy so I can holler 
and run and have a great nice big diagram. 

That's 'bout all ther is to breathing, except to say to keerless boys if 
they don't wanter wake up dead some mornin', if they find they're gittin' 
breath through their mouth when they're 'sleep they must git right up to 
once and shut it. That's all. 

ALL ABOUT CATS. 
The cat is a four-legged quadruped, the legs as usual being at the cor- 
ners. It is what is sometimes called a tame animal, though it feeds on 
mice and birds of prey. Its colors are striped, tortus shell, black, yellow 
also black and white and many other colors. When it is happy it does 
not bark, but breathes hard through its nose, but I can't think of the name 
of the noise. Oats also mow which you have all herd. When you stroke 
the cat by drawing your hand along its back, it cosks up its tail like a ru- 
ler so as you can't get on further. Never stroke the hairs acrost for it 
makes all cats scairt like mad. Its tail is about two foot long, and its 
legs one each. Never stroke a cat under the stomach as it is very unheal- 
thy. Don't teese cats, for, firstly it is wrong to do so, and secondly cats 
have clawses which is longer than some people think. Cats have nine 
liveses, but cause of Christianity in this country they seldom have t 
all of 'em. Men cats is always called Tom but girl cats air named Tiss: 
all kinds of little cats is called kittens. The tame cat can see in the dark, 
so rats have no chance much less mice. Girls air feared of rats an even 
mice. Last Tewsday I drawed our cat on paper and sold it to a boy who 
has a farther for 7 pins,, a cud of gum and some cough drops, therefore cats 
air very useful. Cats eat meat and most any think speshully where you 
can't afford it. This is all about cats. 

The twins, one of whom is very large and the other Email, may 
the following. pieces, going together, keeping hold of hands and swinging 
them while they speak, and Bubby may join them when he misses them. 
One lets her voice fall emphatically on the last word of each line, speaking 
rapidly; the other gives a rising inflection reciting slowly. 
How doth the little busy bee 
Improve each shining hour. 
And gather honey all the day. 
From every opening flower. 



EXEKBITION OF THE DSE3TRICK SKUIiE. 

How skilfully she builds her cell, 
How neat she spreads her wax, 

And labors hard to store it well 
With the nice food she makes. 

In works of labor or of skill, 

I would be busy too, 
For Satan findeth mischief still 

For idle hands to do. 

You must not hurt the little fly, 
For if you pinch it, it will die; 

My teacher tells me God has say-ed 
You must not hurt what God has made, 

But be obedient, kind and mild, 
A patient, tender, loving child. 



Let dogs delight to bark and bite, 

For 'tis their nature to; 
Let bears and lions growl and fight, 

For God hath made them so' 

But children, you should never let 

Your angry passions rise, 
Your little hands were never made 

To scratch each other's eyes. 

Hard names at first, and angry words, 
That are but noisy breath, 

Soon grow to clubs and naked swords, 
To murder and to death. 

Birds in their little nests agree, 
And 'tis a shameful sight, 

When children of one family, 
Fall out, and chide and fight. 

The lark is up to meet the sun, 

The bee is on the wing. 
The ant her labor has begun, 

The groves with music ring. 



10 EXEKBITION OF IHE DEESTBICK SKULE. 

And shall I sleep while beams of inorn 

Their light and glory shed? 
Immortal beings were not born 

To waste their time in bed. 

Shall birds and bees and ants be wise 

While T my moments waste ? 
Oh let me with the morning rise, 

And to my duties haste. 

Of course these speeches will not occur in succession, but be mixed with 
the other exercises. During the evening one who has already recited may 
rise and say, "Skule Marster, I've jest thunk of mother piece I kin speak 
orful nice, 'Mary had a little lamb,' or 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star." or 
'Old Grimes is dead' and go forward and give it. Bubby, having recov- 
ered from his musical effort, may also be inspired to rush forth and recite 

"Hey, diddle, diddle," or "Little Jack Horner," which he does with suit- 
able gestures. 

Teacher. Ri-en-zi's A-dress to the Romans will now be given by . 

I c-c-c-come not here t-t-to t-t-t-talk. You know t-t-t-too well 

The s-s-story of our th-th-thralldom. We are s-s-s-slaves ! The boy will 
struggle through several lines, forget, repeat, stammer worse and worse, 
and when the audience seems satisfied goes to his seat. He may be the 
one to go back and say "I c-c-clean forg-g-got my b-b-bub-bow!" 

Antony over Caesar's Dead Body and Marmion and Douglas, in McGuf- 
fey's Sixth Reader; Excelsior, good for Mike O'Flynn in Irish brogae; The 
Battle of Waterloo ; On Linden when the sun was low ; Lord Ullin's Daugh 
ter, and The Elegy on Madam Blaize were all old-time favorites. In San- 
der's Second Reader there are two goody-goody dialogues, one "Killing 
Flies," for boys, and "Lending a Thimble," for girls, that were much used. 

Two dialogues in McGuffey's Fifth Reader, King Charles II. and Will- 
iam Penn and How to Tell Bad News, are good for the older boys. In the 
same book are The Venomous Worm, The Town-Pump, and Mrs. Candle's 
Lecture, which were often used for speeches. 

FOURTH OF JULY SPEECH. 
Fellow Citizens: This is the anniversary of that day when freedom to- 
wards all and malice towards none first got a foothold in this country and 
we are now here to celebrate that day on which ti-ra-ny and usurpation 
got a back-set they will never recover from. We then paved the way for 



EXEBBITION OF THE EESSTIvICX SETTLE. 11 

so that the poor oppressed foreigner could come to our shores in pursuit of 
free and equal happiness to take all manner of liberties with our form of 
government. 

On the day that Button Gwinnett put his name to the statement that all 
men were created more or less equal, the spot on which we now stand was 
a howling wilderness. Where yonder lemonade stand is now realizing a 
clean profit of $47.35 on an investment of $4.50 for extract of lemon and 
citric acid, the rank thistle nodded in the wind and the wild fox dug his 
hole unscared. 

And why is this thus? Why are we to-day a free people, with a surplus 
in the treasury that nobody can get at? Why are our resources so great 
that they almost equal our liabilities ? Why is everything done to make it 
pleasant for the rich man, and every inducement held out to the poor man 
to accumulate more and more poverty? One hundred years ago the tastes 
of our people were simple; but now it takes so much simplicity to keep con- 
gress going that the people can't get a chance at it. 

But, fellow-citizens, how can we best preserve the blessing of freedom 
and fork it over unimpaired to our children? How can we enhance the 
blood-bought right which is inherent in every human being, of the people, 
for the people, and by the people, where tyrant foot hath never trod, nor 
bigot forged a chain, to look back from our country's glorious natal day 
or forward to a happy and prosperous future with regard to purity of the 
ballot and free speech? I say for one we cannot, dare not do otherwise. 

I would rather have my right hand cleave to the roof of my mouth than 
to utter a sentiment I would regret, but I assert, not for political purpos- 
es, but as an inalienable right, that no man, living or dead, can gainsay or 
controvert, and yet I am often led to stop and seriously inquire whither 
we are drifting, not only as a country and a nation, but as a joint school- 
district, lam not an alarmist, but nevertheless I see in our public schools 
a spirit of free inquiry that leads to destruction. Gentlemen, you may cry 
Peace, peace, but in the very shadow of our church steeples there are men 
who open school with prayer, and then converse freely about the cardiac 
orifice or the alimentary canal! History repeats itself: if we would avoid 
the fate of corrupt Rome or blasphemous France, we must guard against 
insidious and ambiguous instruction in the district schools. Education is 
often a blessing in disguise, but we must beware of prying rashly into tilings 
that the finite mind has no business with.. Look at Galileo, at Diogenes 
and Demosthenes. All of them poked into science indiscreetly, were poor 
providars for their families, and have every one since died; therefore, let 
us cultivate a spiiit of lofty patriotism, but believe nothing just to oblige 



12 EXEEBITION OP THE DEE3TRICK SKULE. 

somebody else. 

Lastly, fellow-citizens, in closing, let me say that we owe it to our com - 
mon country to be peaceable citizens, and pay our taxes, even the j>olltax 
without murmuring or disputing; the time to get in our fine work is on 
the valuation and it is vain kicking after that. These have been my lofty 
principles, and I can truly say, that as boy and man, I have been a con- 
stant user of American freedom for the last fifty years and I have no desire 
to turn back. 

THE EARTH. 

The earth is what we live on. It is made of dirt with some stone and a 
good deal of water in some placas that are called oceans, lakes and rivers; 
River or Lake is made of water and the farms are made of dirt. 

The earth is round on all four of its sides like a ball. The reason we do 
not fall over the edges is because something called gravitation makes us 
stick to the middle, and we can't help it. A man named Sir Isaac Newton 
found that out by laying under a tree eating sweet apples and seeing 'em 
fall down instead of up. 

The earth is twenty-five thousand miles round, and where the pole goes 
through the middle it is eight thousand miles long. Perhaps some folks 
who have never studied gogafry may think this is too long a j^ole to be 
true, but my book says so, only I forgot to say there were two poles, one 
on top called the north pole, where it is so cold that Benjamin Franklin 
was froze to death when he went in a ship to find it along with several oth- 
er men: and the south pole that sticks out at the other end, though I never 
heard of anybody trying to find that pole. 

I like to live on the earth better'n any place I ever lived in. I hope you 
will believe what I am going to say next for it's every word true as preach- 
ing. The earth turns round and round like a top more'n a thousand miles 
an honr, an' if she was to stop to take a breath every thing would go flying 
way off but I don't know where t'would go to. An' besides turning round 
so spry she goes scooting round the sun more'n a million an' a half miles 
every day and night. That's what the gogafry said but I won't tell any 
more now for fear you won't darst to believe me, so I will bring the earth 
to an end. 

Teacher. Ladies and Gentlemen, phi-los-o-phy has generally been con 
sidered too deep a study for the deestrict skule i cholar to take up. but I 
have been learning it to a few of them, and they seem to have so thorough- 
ly grasped phi-lo co-rhi-cal principles, I r.m g<ing to give you a sample 
recitation. 



EXERBITION OF THE DEESTEICK SKULE. 13 

Teacher. Explain affinity and repulsion. 

Scholar. Affinity is a liking evinced between two objects, drawing them 
together, contact not being necessary; one person may have a liking or af- 
finity for each other when they are a great ways off. Things that have an 
affinity mix together like milk and water : but if they have repulsion, they 
won't mix ; for example, oil won't mix with water, but stay on top every 
time. 

Teacher. Name and explain the different kinds of attraction. 

Scholar. I can't remember but two ; capillary attraction, which is the at- 
traction between hairs; a person's hair is sometimes attracted by fright, 
"and a dog's or cat's hair will stand straight up when they are mad or set 
upon ; that is one kind of capillary attraction. Attraction of gravitation is 
what draws everything to the ground and keeps it from falling up. 

Teacher. Give the law of gravitation and tell of its discovery. 
Scholar. Sir Isaac Newton founded this law of gravity; a body falls when 
not supported up, because there is not enough strength of air nor specific 
gravity under it to hold it up and so it has to fall. The law of a falling 
body is that it will go just as far in the first second as the body will go 
plus the force of gravity : and that's twice what the body will go in the next 
second, and so on every next second till it strikes bottom. 

Teacher. Explain heat and the melting process. 

Scholar. Heat is a wave like water made of warmth; there are two kinds 
of heat, latent and sensible; the difference is latent heat is not at all sensi- 
ble, but you know sensible heat when you feel it. The thermal unit of 
heat is heat enough to raise one pound of water one foot. The heat of the 
sun melts ice by the law of cohesion of atoms. Drops of water are gene- 
rally spherical for various reasons known only to the generous Providence 
who formed them, and when they get warm they can't stick together but 
flatten out and turn to water. 

Teacher. Explain sound. 

Scholar. Sound is a motion like waves in the air that affects the orato- 
ry nerve and then we hear it. A noise is a collection of sounds that mean 
nothing but a clatter, while a true sound has essential things to depend on 
and means something. Sound can travel very fast but not so fast as light; 
to prove it, if a cannon was fired off in the sun, we should see the flash a 
long time before we heard the noise, just the same as it is when the thun- 
der and lightning are far off. If you hear it thunder you can always tell 
that that stroke of lightning won't kill you because it's too far off. Deaf 
people are those who have deficient ears, or maybe they have been hurt in 



14 EXEKBITION OF THE DEESTEICK SKTJEE. 

tlieir drum by the waves of sound, and they can hear better by keeping 
their mouths open. Sometimes people walking on a railroad track are made 
so deaf by the noise of the train they cannot see to get off the track and 
so are killed. 

Teacher. What causes tides? 

Scholar. Tides are caused by the moon shining on the water. When 
the moon is little there is a small tide, and when it is full there is a high 
tide besides a neap tide. 

Teacher. Explain the air-pump. 

Scholar. The air-pump is an instrument used for forcing water into a 
pump and spilling it by means of a vacuum. The vacuum then ascends 
into the water downwards, and there's nothing whatever at all left in the 
pump, not even a breath of air, and so it is called an air-pump. 

Teacher. Dr. (naming some well-known physician) has been 

to the skule twice a week and learning pkyz-zy-ol-er-gy to the scholars- 
and I thought I'd give him a pleasant surprise by letting this aujience see 
how much they know on that subjeck, so I gave out a few questions at the 
beginning of the ex-er-bi-tion, and the answers will now be read. 

Question 1. What is physiology, and of what is the body composed? 

Answer 1. Physiology is to study about your bones, stumick, vertebry, 
and all your other things. The body is about half and half made up of wa- 
ter, avaricious and other kinds of tissue. 

Question 2. Bones and their uses. 

Answer 2. Bones are made of two kinds of stuff, named cartridge and 
osseous, mixed with lime. There are over two hundred bones; some people 
have more than others on account of their teeth. There are more than twen- 
ty in the head, twenty four spines running up the back called vertebry. 
and the sternum at the end of the last backbone: twenty four ribs, mostly 
true, but a few that go falsely floating round over the lungs; and more 
than a hundred in the legs, arms, fingers, toes, and so forth. They art 
jined together by jints, and help to move the rest of the body whereever 
it wants to go to, and keeps it from settling all in a heap. 

Question 3. Describe the muscles and their use. 

Answer 3. Muscles are made out of lean meat like beef-steak, with 
gristle at the ends and joints where they tie up to the bone. They are cov- 
yed all over with skin, of which there are two kinds, the outside one called 
the epperderby, which scales off, and the inside one called the derby. The 
muscles are what we use to hit with in the arm t to move the teeth to chevr 



EXEKBITION OF THE DEESTKICK SKUEE. 15 

with in the mouth, breathe with in the stomach or just below it called the 
diai'lame, which hists the lurgs towards the air, and in the legs to walk 
with. There are two kinds of muscles, one that you use when you wanter, 
as to eat or nit a feller, and the other when you can't help it, like winking, 
and breathing and sleeping outloud. 

Question 4. Tell about nerves. 

Answer 4. Nerves are made of white and gray cords twisted together 
and running all through the body. They are spread out so thin on the 
skin that you can't set down on the point of the finest pin without a feel- 
ing of it. The white cords aro to feel with and to tell the gray ones to 
jerk the muscles and pull you off what's a hurting you. Nerves always 
give us the toothache and all other aches except the stomach-adee which 
comes from eating too much. The biggest nerves run up and down the 
backbone; the brain is all nerve, not in strings but soft and shaky, just like 
calves' brains. 

Question 5. Describe the digestive apparatus. 

Answer 5. The mouth is to put things into for to be chewed fme;then 
the salivary glands salivate the food, and it goes through the sarcophagus 
into the stomach and all the starch is turned to grape sugar. The gastric 
juice then digests the stomach and turns it to a plump called chyle and it 
goes into the elementary canal; the lactil glands in the utensils carry the 
chyle up the middle of the backbone and empty it into the heart, then it 
goes to the lungs to meet some oxygen to get purified. 

Question 6. Tell of the four senses. 

Answer 6. We see with the optic nerve; it is spread round on the back 
part of the eye, and everything is turned upside down' but the nerve runs 
back to the brain and tells how it looks right end up. The eyes are set in 
two surkits in a bone which turns up at the holy end and becomes a nose. 

The oilfactory nerve runs into that nose and lets us know when we smell 
a smell, and when it is the right time to sneeze. The ordertory nerve is 
what we hear with; the sound goes into the outside ear and strikes a drum; 
this raps on four little bones all Strang together, and kind of jiggles the 
sound along through three canals and a snail-shell, and then it goes to the 
brain and we know we are a hearing something. The nerve that makes us 
taste is spread all over the end of the tongue -where there are some little 
things called papilly that when they taste anything good stand straight up 
and enjoy it. Ws feel all over, but the nerves that run round and round 
on the tips of our fingers are so thick that we can feel ffity times as much 
with them as we can with the middle of our backs. 



^° EXEBKITION OF THE DEESTKICK SKTJ1E. 

Teacher. That is the end of this exercise. I do not know as I made it 

clearly understood that Dr. • ■ learned them all this phyz-zy-ol-er-gy 

free gratious, for nothing, but it is so. These scholars, as you have heerd 

are almost as wise as Dr. himself, and if one was to have the dy- 

spep-sy or some trouble with some of his senses, he might be able to cure 

himself, thanks to the Dr's. instructions. If Dr. is in the aujience 

and will now rise to his feet the scholars will give him three cheers. 

Teacher. An original Ode will now be read by . 

Scholar. An Ode of goodby to our beloved Marster, written by a pupil 
when only 18 years, 6 months, 23 days and 4 hours of age. 

Kind marster, friends and playmates all, 
Parents and children, great and small, 

Now is the time to say adieu, 
To each and every one of you. 



And studied hard just as we should: 
Tried to obey each little rnle, 

And have a reel good Deestrick Skule. 

The marster's rap upon the dcor, 

Calling us in we'll hear no more. 
No more upon the crack we'll stand, 

To spell or read, a happy band. 

We'll take our books and homeward go, 

To plough and plant, to reap and hoe. 
Farewell, a long farewell we say, 

Dear marster,playmates,all good day. 

By getting up a schoolpaper, The Spectator, Beacon Light or Reflector, 
edited and read by one or two of the scholars, putting one or more of the 
compositions in it, and the Ode, the best opportunity is offered for local 
hits, conundrums, etc. And I may as well here suggest that in place of 
the "Col-lo-quy" at the end some may prefer to have a debate, taking up 
some of the "fads" of today, or what was an exciting topic fifty years ago, 
as Spirit -Rappings or Woman's Rights,' though in point of fact neither 
date back quite so far. 



EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKUIjE. 17 

Teacher. Members of the Skule-Deestrick, and aujience generly. I 
have just received a note from a well-known female lady here present, and 
I will now read it. 

Dear Mr. Skule-Marster : While I have been a settin' here the fount- 
ains of pore-try in my heart have suddintly broke loose, and I have not 
been able to keep from composing a little sun-nit as a parting token of my 
and all our regards for you. This is not signed, but I do not need to say 
to the aujience that this sunnit is from our poetrical friend Mrs. Samanthe 
Tyrphosa Honeysuckle, and I hope her great modesty will not prevent her 
coming forward and reading it to us. 

After some hesitation Mrs. H. goes on the stage, but just as she is read- 
y to read Bubby calls out, "I've lost my hancherkief, maw, so kin I wipe 
my eyes on my clean apurn when it's time to cry" ? 

Mrs. H. reads; . . A Sunnit to onr departing Skule-Marster, written in 
the last eleven minnits, jest a line to a minnit. 

While I've bin a list'nin' to this boochifnl exerbition, 

The speakin', an' the singin', an' all the compersition, 
My mind has bin in the most exstatic condition, 

But when I think all will soon be over an' we must part, 
It seems as if the thought would break my very heart. 

Ad' I'm sure I express all the feelin's of the deestrick, 
For I've heerd several say the thought makes them too feel sick. 

But always partin' an' meetin' an' partin' agin, 
Is the way in this world so full of wo an' of sin, 
An' will be, I s'pose, till our life shall be o'er 
An' we come to the place where Deestrick Skules are no more, 

Bubby (noticing the poem as she impressively hands it to the teacher.) 

Why.maw, who of them folks down there give you your pen an' ink an 
paper to write that with so quick ? 

Teacher ( with great emotion.) The aujience will please excuse me if 
my feelings lead me as Shakespeare says, To play the woman. But since 
I've ben setting here I remember we have forgot to prepare any sort of a 
address to the committee-men; it is an oversight for which I feel I am to 
blame, and if the Scripture did not forbid us to ride a free horse to death 
I would ask Mrs. Honeysuckle to mount her Pegasus agin for ten minutes 
and write a poum to the committee-men, but I forbear. 



18 EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

Irrepressible Twin. No, Skule-Marster, you had'nt orter, fur maw sot 
up all las' night to write that sunnit fur you, an' paw hadter nuss both the 
twin babies an' make the johnnycake fur breakfast by hisself. 

Teacher. Wall anyway we would now like to hear from them committee 
men, (and after some delay and parley) Squar Adoniram Buckwheat will 
now a-dress the aujience for a short time. 

Squar (after much indiscriminate bowing and scraping). Good even- 
in' to all of ye; I ain't much on argufyin' but I kin say a few encourag- 
in' words to ye, an' I tell ye boys an' gearls, that I never had sich advan- 
tages as ye hev, an' I hope an' guess ye've improved 'em. I'm awful tick- 
led with the way ye speak up an' eout, as if ye wa'nt afeared o' folks, fur 
I allers thought there's nothin' better'n a good loud pro-nounc-i-a-tion. 
Then them little fellers com-per-si-tions on their slates, that beats my time 
all holler, an I know t'will help ther morals to learn sich good things 'bout 
sich good boys as George Washington, an' nobody kin tell but ef they keep 
on a tryin' hard 'nuff every one 'f 'em mebbe farthers 'f ther keonntrv some 
day. An' patriartic speeches, that makes ye think o' Darnel Webster an' 
Henry Clay, an' all sich, gives ye a love fur yer keountry that'll come in 
reel handy 'f ther'd be 'nother war, but wich 'tisn't 'tall likely ever will be. 

But fur's I know, ez to the fur-loss-er-fy class I carn't reellv see wot 
good 'tis to know why apples fall down insted o' up, wen they couldn't fall 
up ef they wanted to: nor wot good a air-pump is to put a vacuam into 
an' then pnmp out the vacuum an' the air too, wen in the fust j)lace all ; x . 
pump's good fur's to pump water ; I don't wanter 'pear to be findin' fanlt 
'an pickin' at things, but I jest don't think mnch o' that part myself, but 
on the hull it's bin a pooty good ex-er-bi-tion, a reel pooty good ex-er-bi- 
tion. (After some hesitation as if thinking how to end properly, he gives 
a series of jerks in various directions, saying "Good evening" after 
each and sits down. ) 

The visiting teacher is now called on for a few remarks and is led out 
by the hand and impressively "interjuiced" 

Teacher. After sech a fustrate show I don't feel to speak long to this 
anunjce. When I think how things has gone in my skule in the adjining 
deestrick I feel tonight here like the Queen of Sheby when she had saw 
and heerd all the wisdom of Solomon. (Here is a chance to bring in lo- 
cal hits and incidents, comparing the people of one district with the other. ) 

Teacher. There will now be a short recess, after which we will have a 
col-ler quy, which I might explain is a dialogue between several folks 



EXERBITION OP THE DESSTRICK SKULE. 19 

kind of dressed up and acted out to suit the occasion. Let us have go«d 
order so that people that want to talk will not be disturbed. 

With care those not in the colloquy can so pose in front as to hide the 
few changes needed for the first scene. The small scholars may be sleepy 
and have to be waked, there may be lunching and eating of pop-corn, ap- 
ples and candy with quiet games, but the two teachers conspicuously de- 
vote themselves to each other. 

Colloquy. First Scene. Characters. Several ladies at a sewing socie- 
ty, which may be a quilting party or a knitting- bee, a quilt being at hand 
for purpose indicated? The older scholars can take part with only slight 
change of dress. 

Mrs. Dusenberry," mistress of the honse. It don't look as if many wim- 
men were coining to-day, but I set supper early so's to have 'em all here 
an' get a lot done. 

Tirzah Ann Tubbs. O they'll all git reound by suppertime ; some folks 
kin smell good vittles a mile off. I come pertikler airly coz I was jest 
fairly cracked with curosity 'bout your good idee. 

Mrs. D. It's just this; I'd like to get this quilt out today and give it to 
the minister's wife. I know they're reel skurcc off for quilts and comfort- 
ables, and we're so behindhand on the salary they can't afford to buy. 

Tirzah. Is that so? 'Twould be a norful good idee I think. See, there 
comes Mis Plunk^i; she's sech a norful quilter I jest hate to hev her set a 
stitch in it. She won't wanter give 'way this quilt, I know. 

Mrs. D. I'm afraid so, but she's done precious little work on it anyhow 
an' she had'nt ought have to any say 'bout it. Eut I'll have to go and see 
the wimmen as they come and 'tend to supper, and you talk it up to Mrs. 
Plunkett and all the rest. (Exit.) 

Tirzah Ann. It'll take a heap o' hefty talkin' to git Mis Deekin Plun- 
kit willin' to give anything wuth while to the minister's folks. (Enter 
Mrs. P.) HDvdi ye3u pu,Mis Plunk}!? E : Mis Duzen berry an' me was'nt 
jest a speakin' ; bout your quiltin, how spry you was, but between you'n 
I she's a norful poke at it! She's in a norful tew to git this did right off 
an' give it to the minister's wife, fur they're orful short off fur beddin. 

Mrs..P. Wall I sh'd say they was ! Why when I went off las' winter to 
stay a week, an' lef the Deekin to sleep there so's to save keepin' fires to 
hum all the long nights, he jest pooty nigh froze to death fur want o' bed 
kiver, an' they did'nt keep up ther fires all night neither. 

Tirzah Ann. Yeou don't say so! Why the quilt'll come in orful handy. 
'"-* (HMer Mrs. D.) Mrs. P. Yis I do say so. I was jest neow tellin' Tir- 



20 EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

'zAq 'bout Deekin goin' t' Parson Poor's las' winter, how when he kinder 
oompli.-ii.ed o' sletpin' cold 'stid o' keepin' fires Mis Poor jest said "I'm f or- 
ry we're so short o' beddin' but we havn't 'nongh to go reound an' can't 'f- 
ford to buy more." An' she put an old overcoat on Deekin's bed, she acchil- 
ly did. I jest thought what she said was a slam on the church 'bout be- 
in' behin'hand on the salary. 

Mrs. D. I wonder the Deacon didn't take over some of the twenty-five 
good quilts and comfortables you said you had at last society meeting. 

Mrs. P. O I'd put 'm 'way so's to hev 'em clean ef I got sick or died 
whilst T was 'way. 

Mrs. D. Yes, I see; I suppose the Deacon took them a load of wood be- 
sides paying for his lodging. 

Mrs. P. No, indeed ; Brother Poor looks on Deekin as the ch'icest sheep 
o' his flock; an' when he said he sh'd be so lonesome to hum alone nights 
he 'nvited 'im ther, an he wouldn't fur the hull world hurt 'is pasture's feel- 
ings by offerin' 'im filthy lucre or wood; Deekin's dretful keerful 'bout all 
those sort o' things. Anyhow he went so's to save wood to hum, an' to hev 
speritooal conversation; an' they allers asked 'im to eat, wich he generly 
did on 'count o' ther feelin's, fur ther livin' was dretful skimpy, jest bread 
a*i' butter, an' not so much meat the hull time as we hev at one meal. 

Mrs. D. But he paid for his board? 

Mrs. P. Why no, he hadn't 'greed to: they 'nvited 'im to eat. 

Mrs. D. Well I'd like to free my mind about all that, but somebody's 
rapping and I know it's best for me to hold my tongue. (Enter Mrs. Bee- 
be and after hasty greetings exit Mrs. Plunkett "To git a drink o' water.") 

Mrs. B. I thought I'd come right in and get to work. But what's the 
matter with you, Marthy, you look as mad as a wet hen ? 

Mrs. D. I am mad ; Mrs. Deacon has been going over her old story a 
bout the deacon's sufferings when that "ch'icest sheep" sponged his living 
off Mr. Poor. I could see him quartered without a tear of pity. 

Mrs. B, O pshaw, it isn't worth getting excited over, but he is a cantan- 
kerous old bell-wether, that's a fact. 

Mrs. P. coming from kitchen. I sniffed sunthin' in the kitchin, Marthy, 
that smelled like riz biskit a burnin'. 

Mrs. D. Come out with me, Sarah Jane. (Mrs. B. and D. go out.) 
Mrs. P. I tell ye, Tirz'An, Marthy's got a dretful good supper on the 
sap-works, ef them biskit don't git too bad scorched; I thought I could 
smell honey in the comb. But I've saw kitchins afore now that want nigh 
so dusty in the corners an' behin' the doors. 

TirzahAnn. Wall for my part I don't feel to go reound peekhr and po_ 



EXEEBITION OF THE DEESTEICK SKULE. 21 

km' fur dust in other folkses houses. 

Mrs. P. Likely not ; some folks don't haf ter peek and poke abroad fur 
dust coz it's right under ther noses to hum. (Silence.) Wall, as I was a 
sayin' 'bout this quilt bizness, I'm dead sot agin Mis Poor havin' it fur she 
won't 'preciate it . When I showed her that hexagun caliker one o' mine 
an' tole her how it had oughter got a pre-mi-um, only the "jedges was par- 
tial to Mis Livingston coz she was a leftenant's wife an' I was only a plain 
deekin's, an' that ther was 18467 pieces in it less'n a inch square, wich I 
knew fur sartin as I'd put in a day an' a half counting 'em, she jest said it 
must a bin a big job, an' kinder looked as ef I'd wasted my time on it. 

(Enter Mrs, Beebe and a widow; they exchangegreetings. ) 

Mrs. B. Well, it's settled that the quilt goes as a present to Mrs. Poor. 

Tirzah Ann. I'm willin' an' more'n willin' to give my sheer in it, an' I 
paid fur harf a bat o' battin' an' quilted at it three afternoons as stiddy as 
old horse. But s'posin' besides all that we give 'em a d'natioia-party. 

Widow. Not of the kind we're in the habit of giving. Eemember what 
happened last year ; the reason that "choicest sheep," Deacon Plunkett, at« 
only bread and butter when he was living off his shepherd, was that at the 
donation-party every bit of pickles, preserves and applesauce that she had 
laid down for winter was eaten up; not even a speck of the every day ap- 
plesauce leit. Poor little Lucy fairly oried over it. 

Mrs. P. Weil, I think people, an' special minister's folks, hadn't oughter 
be so carnal-minded an' cosset ther children's stumicks so much . 

Widow. Land sakes alive! If you say another word, Nancy Plunkett, 
I'll tell vho was first to ccsset their stems chs on Mrs. Poor's preserves. 

Mrs. B. We all know who staid till there was nothing left. 

T. A. You'd better kep' still, Mis Plunkett. But bein' that the salary's 
so fur back — 

Mrs. P. Deekin an' T both has views 'bout the salary. Fur the life 'f 
us we can't see heow they kin lay eout 400 dollar a year, with only a reel 
peak-ed little gearl that can't eat more'n a chicken, an' jest one boy, ef 
toys be mest always lurgry. An' they're always in debt, when 400 dollar 
a year is 2 dollar a week apiece to clothe and fill each mouth, leavin' out 
the odd two week fur sickness an' sich. Deekin an me has gone over it 
time an' agin' an' it's most thirty cents a day apiece; neow with the best 
bakin' an' bilin' pertaters at 9 cents a bushil, how kin a body eat more'n 
three bushil a day? I feel we're payin' too big a salary neow, an' that's 
^hat makes 'em so worldly minded. 

Widow. Dear me! I hav'n't any patience with that kind of talk! Don't 



22 EXERBITTON OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

you eat or wear anything at your house, Mrs. Plunkett, but the best "tak- 
in' or bilin' pertaters ?" 

Mrs. P. In course we do but we raise it all an' so it don't cost nothin'. 

Mrs. B. Then you can afford to give freely at the donation-party. 

T. A. Wall, 'bout that d'nation, you say ther can't be any eatin' ? 

Mrs. B. No, not a bite, last winter's donation-party settled that. Mr. 
Poor's house was like Egypt after the hail and grasshoppers had swept 
over it, only there was no end of crumbs and dirt. But we can each go 
and take something, a fev bushels of corn, apples, potatoes or wheat, that 
we could well spare from our full bius and help them out wonderfully. 

T. A. Yis, indeed, we co'd all find sunthin that we'd be orful glad to 
git red of to hum; I've got some old, gin-eout, split-bttomed cheers that ef 
they was wove in with listin' wo'd — 

Widow. Tirzah Ann Tubbs, I'm ashamed of you! What we give ought 
to come out of our best, what we think most of; I'll take a pair of my nic- 
est blankets that I spun and wove last winter. 

T.A. Wall, ef you're gointer do that away I'll give some good beddin' 
too; but I carn't help thinkin' that to hev a leetle eatin' goin' on, ef it's on- 
ly apples an' pop-corn, is more friendly-like than jest settin' and talkin'. 

Mrs. P. That's my idee, an' I've got some apples dretful good fur that 
puppuss, an' I'd like to d'nate 'em, an' ef Brother Poor's boy'd come over 
an' pick out the specked ones an' cut out the rot, the best wo'd arnswer to 
han' reound fur vittles that night, an' Mis Poor co'd make the rest in com- 
mon apple-sass, an' as our punkins is a spilin' too I'd give a lot o' them to 
mix in; but I'm afeared that boy'd eat his heft in good apples 'stid o' the 
specked ones, fur boys is so ferce to eat the best ther is goin'. 

Widow. Make your specked apples into sauce yourself, Nancy Plun- 
kett, and if it's good enough to eat at home, give it to Parson Poor, but if 
not, don't. 

Enter Madam Bradford (after stately greetings.) Concerning what 
were you so earnestly holding converse when I entered? 

Mrs. B. About giving our minister a donation-party, that is, taking to 
him something useful, but not staying to ransack the house and eat what 
we carry and more too. 

Madam B. A very excellent i-de ar, which originated in my former 
home, the city of Boston. I consider Beverend Poor an extremely superi- 
or person, a man of good parts, seemly deportment and most excellent of 
carriage. And — 

Mrs. P. O my suz! hez kerridge is sich a nold shack it e'enamost gins 
me a coniption-flt to see it druv eout! 



EXEBBITION OF THE DEESTBICK SKTJLE. 23 

Madam B. If unadulterated English were not beyond your comprehen- 
sion. Mistress Plunkett, you would not have interrupted me. But to re- 
cur to my subject; I was remarking that I consider Mrs. Poor a worthy 
helpmeet to her husband, and T shall derive great pleasure in donating 
out of my little store something that will solace, cheer and elevate them. 

(Enter Mrs. D, announcing supper, and all go but two.) 

Mrs. P. I can't understan' 'bout Mr. Poor's kerridge, why Mis Bradford 
thinks it's so dretful nice. But I'll be boun' she'll kerry sunthin' harn- 
some to d' nation. 

T. A. Wall, I ain't a bit af eared to guess t' won't be nothin' more'n a 
dic-tion-er-iy for '<m to tflk 1 y or an old Farm-book to dng eout of. 

Second scene. Mr. and Mrs. Poor, boy of 14, girl of 10. Unless they 
occur in the dialogue the ordinary greetings and goodbyes are exchanged 
with each. The stage should be so arranged that they can enter on the 
side, and leaving pass out in front. 

Enter Mrs. Beebe. I wanted to get here first of all, and I hope you are 
prepared for the occasion, if need be for the worst. 

Mrs. P. O, this is quite a new thing under the sun, and we expect to 
thoroughly enjoy it. and thank you for the innovation. 

Mrs. B. No thanks to me, this is Tirzah Ann's idea, only she wanted to 
"hev some eatin'." Now you are not to bother about things; I've locked 
the stairway door and here's the key, so there's no prowling round through 
your chambers this year; the people are to come in at the back-door, put 
their things in the kitchen, pantry or cellar, and then, as Biddy says "Come 
in and pay ther rispics to you." Mr. Beebe has put some potatoes and ap- 
ples in the cellar, and piled up in your woodshed a cord of solid, dry ma- 
ple, cut to stove length, and now don't say a word of thanks, for it's more 
blessed to give than receive, and I'm afraid you'll find it true before it's all 
over with. But Jcl n's wanint , for he ccuidn't leave his horses they're to 
high-lived and I must go. (Goes out side-door.) 

Enter Mrs. D. Sister Beebe tells me I'm number two to arrive. Here's 
that bed-quilt the sewing-society has been at work on and we want you 
to hr.ve it, so if any of your sheep come to stay a week with you they can 
have bedclothes euough to keep warm. (General delight and admiration. ) 
Here's a basket-full of doughnuts, sweetened ones, for I remember about 
Peter's sweet tooth. 

Peter. O my! I haven't seen so many fried-cakes at once for a year, and 
I'll make sure of one by eating it new; I remember last winter. 

Mrs. D. That's right, take two and I'll set the basket high on the 



24 EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

pantry shelf where nobody has any business to be finding them. Father's 
putting some lard and butter and salt pork in your cellar, and we meant 
to come in and stop a little bit, but on the way here we got word from old 
Aunt Sally Phillpot that she was down with the ticdollyroo, and so we'll 
have to drive round by her, and it will make Father late for his chores 
and milking anyway. There, he's calling ''Mother" now. (She goes, and 
Peter wrapping himself in the quilt prances round, telling his father he 
'will lirve to wear it to meeting in place of the overcoat that Deekin Sheep 
kicked out for bedkiver.' Enter five children, who after profoud "manners" 
sit in a row with caps, mufflers, and mittens on, each going to Mrs. Poor as 
he speaks. 

No. I. Marm says to say Sow you do, and here's a pair o' footins fur 
yer man ; Marm knits sale footins an' gits ninepunch a pair, an' she says 
she 'scribed twentyflve cents fur yer man's preachin', an' yer kin ceount 
harf 'f it eout on them footins. 

No. 2, with some stocking-legs. Here's some o' granpap's ole legs an' 
Maim says as how yer kin knit some leet on 'em fur yer man. 

No. 3. An' here's two o' Jeremiah's feet, an' yer kin knit some legs on 
fur yer boy. 

No. 4. An' here's some yarn t' knit onto Jeremiah's legs an' granpap's 
feet — 

No. 5, a girl. No, Zerubhabel, it's grs npap's legs an Jaremiah's feet. 

No 4. Wall Marm says ef granjjap's legs an' Jeremiah's feet wears — 

No. 5. Now yer jest stop, Z-amb, far I'm the only darter ther is; an' I 
di'n't hev nothiu, to gin, an' I was the one t' say ef granpap's legs wore 
out afore yer man's feet, yer co'd knit yer man new legs to his feet. 

No. 1. Marm says ef yer ast us to, we might set a while an' see what 
the rest o' the folks brung. 

No. 2. Pap says he'd a come ef yer's gointer hev vittles t'eat. 

No. 3. Grandmarm says mebbe arter we gin yer granpsp's legs an' 
things, yer'd gin us a bite. (Mrs. P. brings in doughnuts.) 

No. 4. Marm says ef we got a good snack o' sweetcake or friedcakes 
she'd a'most wish she'd come along. 

No. 5. Me an' Zerubbabel likes store cheese with friedcakes so we do. 

No. 1. I'd liketer take one t' granpap fur sendin' his legs. 

No. 2. An' me one t' kerry Jeremiah fur his feet. 

No. 4. An' I'll put on 9 in my pooket far pap an' marm an' granmarm. 

No.5, crying. Au' I'm the only darter an' there's nobody left fur me t' 
to gin no thin' to. (All go out but return.) 

No. 1. Marm says t' be sune not t' remember t' tell the parson t' for- 



EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 25 

git — no — be sure not to for git t' tell the parson t' remember t' take 
that ninepunch out o' the quarter-dollar she 'scribed fur yer preachin', an' 
afore winter's clean gone she'll send 'nother pair t' make it eout. She is 
gointer churge nothin' fur granpap's legs or Jeremiah's feet, but jest fur 
the new footins. 

No. 2. Marm says she shan't 'scribe nothin' nex' year coz it's so costive 
allers givin' t' d'nations w'en ther's no eatin'. Pap says sun thin — 

No. 5. Let me tell 'bout pap; he says he never 'scribed nofchin' nohow, 
an' nuther he aint a gointer. (All go out, and while a suitable pantomime 
is inside they, after discussion, eat the doughnuts. 

Enter Tirzah Ann. I've come as I said T wo'd with my beddin'; it's a 
bran aew blankit o' my own raisin', shearin', spinnin', dyein' an' weavin'? 
never yit slep' under by mortal soul, an' it doos me proud to gin it t' yeou 
an' I think the colors will become yer complects, special' ef yeou wear red 
flannel nightcaps, w'ich is orful healthy. (After suitable admiration from 
all,) I brung along a lot o' doughnuts, jest some plain riz ones, ez Icarn't 
'ford t' hev but long sweetniu' to my house: m'lasses isn't good in dough- 
nuts an' I love sweet ones orful well, jest sich ez I see Mis Duzen berry ma- 
kin' a peck of yisterday. an' I guessed mebbe she'd bring 'em here. (Mrs. 
P. goes out and soon returns with donghnuts.) I never feel so much like 
talkin' up reel chirk an' pleasmt-liko ez w'en I'm eatin', so I brung a few 
apples t' nibble on — sho! neosv, Sister Poor, I never s'pected yeon'd take 
so much trouble on my 'count but I 11 leave mine an' eat her'n. Seems t' 
me I hear somebody a cornin' an' arter wot was said 'bout it I'd orfly h^te 
t' hev Widder Sharp ketch me eatin'. (Exit with doughnnts in apron.) 

Enter Madam Bradford. I trust I find you in excellent spiritual and 
bodily health, Reverend Sir, and Madam Poor, and little Master and Miss 
Poor; (after responses ) I cannot tarry as I fain would desire to hold dis- 
course with you, for other parishioners will claim your attention, but I beg 

you will accept this volume of sermons by Rev. Mr. , D. D., L. L. B.< 

of Boston, my former home, written more than a hundred years ago. Oth- 
ers will donate food for the body, but here is strong meat for the mind. I 
also present you with this manuscript of sacred and lyric poems, composed 
by myself when residing in my former home, Boston. Though it was la- 
borious to copy them, I took great pleasure in thinking of the comfort they 
would be to you in lonesome days and declining years. And here is a pro- 
file of my late relict, who lived with me in connubial blessedness 35 years. 
7 months, 9 days and 14 hours to a minute; but you will find all the dates 
of his remarkable birth, marriage and decease recorded on the back of the 



26 EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRTCK SKULK. 

picture. As I came I glanced into your pantry and noticed an abundance 
of the food that perishes with the using, but these tokens of my regard will 
continue for a constant refreshment through life. Do not try to express 
your obligations to me, I well know how often the emotions of the heart 
lie too deep for words . ( After elaborate adieus goes out and taking from 
her reticule a doughnut eats it, remarking, "Madam Duen berry was not 
reared in Boston, and consequently does not live on a high moral and in- 
tellectual plane, but she excels in doughnuts, and I rejoice in my fore- 
thought of securing a bagfull.") 

Tirzah Ann (returning.) I s'pose yeou thunk I'd gone for good, but 
w'en I see 'twas Mis Bradford I hed sich curosity t' see w'ot she brung I 
staid in the entry an' eat, an' she went out eatin' too. Mis Plunkit 'lowed 
'two'd be sunthin' orful harnsome, but I guessed 'two'dn't be nothin' kill- 
in' nice. An' is them it? Wall, I declarto goodness! ef 'tisn'tan olebook 
o' sarmints, some writin', an' that 1 luck picter 'f her relic, ez she alwers 
calls him. What a nori'ul lively thing he is to look at w'en ye're deown- 
hearted, an' need chirkin' up! But I hear Widow Sharp sure 'nuff neow, 
an' I mus' go, but don't tell 'er I et nothin' ef yeou did ast me to. (Exit.) 

Enter Widow Sharp. I judge from what's in the pantry and cellar that 
you have been remembered ; please accept these blankets from me — why, 
if here ain't Tirzah's new blankets, the very pride of her heart; that is good 
in Tirzah Ann Tubbs. Well, if that meachin' Deacon Sheep comes to eat 
a week off his "pasture" this winter, please smother him with bedclothes. 

Mr. P. Ar'n't you rather hard on the Deacon, Sister Sharp? He has 
his good points. 

Widow. They're whittled down dreadful fine ; I'd as lives hunt a cambric 
needle in a haymow; and what of meanness he can't study up lying awake 
nights Nancy Plunkett can put him up to. 

Mrs. P. I'm afraid you don't love the brethren as we are commanded. 

Widow. I don't, nor that one of the sisteren either. You can't know all 
Deacon's come-upances in two years, but he'll turn out a wolf at last. 

Peter. He's a stuttering old sheep, anyhow. 

Widow. Have they been here yet? 

Mrs. P. O no, they have said freely we didn't need anything. 

Mr. P. I rather expect him round with a generous contribntion. 

Widow. Fiddlesticks ! I'm willing to eat anything worth having that he 
brings and don't ask you to take twice its value out of the salary. Broth- 
er Poor, I've known Deacon Sheep from a osset; as long as my husband 
lived he kept him under, but now Deacon's >ayso rules the church. 

Mr. P. Sister Sharp I've often been told that your husband subscribed 



EXERBITION OF THE DEESTEICK SKULE. 72 

three times what he could afford, to bring Deacon Plunkett up to anything 
like his ability, because he was ashamed to give less than Mr. Sharp; and 
I know too, that you with your six children can no more afford to spare 
this blanket than Mrs. Plunkett could give twenty of her twentyflve quilts. 

Widow. That's true, but I'm glad to have it to give, and. you are more 
than welcome, but if Deacon or his wife bring, anything worth while and 
no after-clap he's surely had a warnin' and isn't long for this world. But 
I mnst run over to Aunt Samanthy Pettibone's; you know she's been bed- 
rid forty odd yaars but she's knit a tippet for you that I am to get. (Exit. ) 

Mr. P. The deacon is peculiar, but I have confidence in his piety, and 
fear Sister Sharp is a little lacking in charity. 

Mrs. P. Well, I suspect she gives them both full credit for all the good 
that's in them ; but we shall see. 

Enter Mrs. Plunkett. Heow du yeou du, an' yeou, an' yeou' an' yeou ? 
Deekin an' I has ben lyiii' awake nights plannin' heow to make this d'na- 
tion help yeou eout on yer salary. He's unloiidm' a big lot o' nice wood 
in yer shed, an' put a lot o' pertaters an' apples in yer anller; they're a lee- 
tle bit specked, an' some rot in 'em, but yeou kin pick "em over in yer odd 
time an' make apple-sass, an' ther's some pun kins. too. Why what dreti'ul 
nice blank its them be! they're wnth much ez 5 dollar 'piece, an' we sewed 
dretful hard on that quilt; reck'nin' jest the battin', linin' an' caliker kiver 
't'll ceonnt up t' 4 dollar; an' ther's them footins', an' yarn', an' legs, an" 
feet. Law me! ef Mis Bradford didn't gin her man's picter! 'Taint wnth 
much but the frame'd ceount fur 4 shiltin", an' ef ',t'U fit the glass'd du fur 
a winder-light ef 'twas broke. Here's some towils I, spun an' wove w'en I 
was a gearl; they're kinder wore eout, but they'll du fur ever' day an' make 
dishcloths bimeby : an' here's a holy Bible we co'd git 'long 'thout, an' Dee- 
kin sed bring it fur yer boy t' sarch the s<Jr:'i teis tput'f. I guess I've see 
all an' Til slip eont the back way; Deekin'ii come arter a leetle bit. (Exit.) 

Mr. P. Mrs. Plunkett seems to enjoy reducing things to cash valuation; 
fancy Madam Bradford's feelings at the idea of using the glass in her rel- 
ict's portrait for a window-pa ae! But Mrs. Sharp will be surprised. 

Mrs. P. (showing' the ragged towels and bible all in pieces.) Will she? 

Mrs. P. and husband in the street. Take 'nother nutcake, they're Mis 
Duzen berry's make an' tod rich fur the Poor fam'iy's stumicks. I ceounted 
the blankits 5 dollar 'piece an' the qnilt at 4; 4 shillin' fur a picter-frame, 
an' 2 more fur footins; that's all I see wath acchil money. (They add, get 
mtiddled, and Mr. P. says "Less g3 t' the p-p-p3it natter, he's a reel good 
adder." They go and enter three girls dressed alike, each with a string of 
dried apples and two rings of dried pumpkin on her arm, saying turn, 



^O EXERBITION OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 

"Here's the time o' day, an' mar sez she hopes yer pooty well, an' yer wel- 
come t' this string o' dried appuls an' punkin, an' we kin stan' reound till 
yer git us sunthin t'eat." Mrs. P's daughter brings doughnuts and after 
they go she says "Every doughnut is gone and I've not tasted one yet.") 

Enter Deacon. G-g-good ev'nin', B-b-brother V S-s-sister P-p-pupoor, 
(etc.) I hope yer duin' well in body 'n' soul; it's mos' choretime , n' I carnt 
stop fur speritooal talk, but I calkilate ye've hed a rousin' d-d-dar-na-tion" 
party. Ther's five bushil o' whoppin' Shernanger pertaters in the suller 
wuth two York shillin' a bushil, 'n' I brung five more o' specked ones that'd 
ceount in at one shillin'. Then the lard, 'n' butter, 'n' eggs, 'n' cheese, 'n' 
inions, 'n' appuls, 'n' salt pork, 'n' corn beef, 'n' a big hunk o' fresh beef, 
all brung by the sheep o' yer flock, run up the 'mount t' — lemme see,I fig- 
gered kerful 'n' got the best adder in teown t' foot it; with the cord o' ma- 
ple wood at 3 dollar, 'n' one I brung at 2, makes the woodshed, buttry, V 
sullar things 15 dollar V six bits; Nancy, she reckoned blankits 'n' things 
here, but she must 'a' furgot that dried apple, 'n all tole it comes t' jest 30 
dollar 'n' 4 bits. Ez we're back 125 dollar 'n' 3 bits on las' year's dues 'n' 
ye don't feel willin t' throw it in, ceountin' this eout it leaves 94 dollar 'n' 
7 bits t' ketch up with; O, I forgot, I took two peck o' the Shernangers fur 
seed 'n' that's 'nother bit due ye, but us sheep '11 fetch it somehow. 

Mr. P. Do yon mean that this valuation of the freewill offerings of my 
people is to be taken out oi tne arrears in the salary? 

Deacon. "Why yis, BrwLhor i'oor, that's 'bout the meanin' of it. 

Mr. P. Then you can take home j av spe?l d ipples and potatoes; I 
have borne imposition from you but this I will not stand. 

Deacon. You'd better bewar, Brother Poor, deekins air the Lord's an- 
ninted to run the church; yeou oughter hunt fur souls. (Enter Widow.) 

Mr. P. Sister Sharp, the deacon has been reckoning the value of these 
contributions to our comfort, and tells me it is to come out of the salary 
arrears; was that the arrangement? 

Widow. No, indeed it was not. Who told you to bring your old stuff 
anyhow, Deacon ? I just saw your rotten apples and potatoes in the cellar, 
and your wood's so croaked it's almost kicked over Mr. Beebe's pile. 

Deacon. Sister Sharp, I'm a deekin, 'n' the holy scripter sez ye mus' be 
subjick t' the powers that be, 'n' wimen mus 4 keep silence 'n' larn o' ther 
husbuns t' hum. 

Widow. If I had a husband at home you would never dare come sneak- 
ing in this way, putting a money value on what those of us who feel for our 
minister have brought to him in his straits. I'll not keep silence but tell 
you to your face that you are mean enough to take pennies off the eyes of 



EXERBITIOJ OF THE DEESTRICK SKULE. 29 

corpse, and than chirge up interest to the corpse for the use of them. 

Deacon. Sister Sharp, bewar o' let bin' yer temper rise agin the sarvint 
of the Lord; have ye f argot how the bairs et up the childurn that talked 
misbehavin' t' 'Lijah? But I carn't stop t' labur with ye ez I oughter fur 
I 'spec' Nancy's a waitin' 'n' inns' go. (Goes.) 

Widow. I never was so righteously mad in my whole life as I am — 

Dea. (returning). I brung these specs to gin ye, Brother Poor ,but ye 
talked so upsettin' t' me I furgot; they're wore out fur my eyes, 'n' one 
glass is los', but p'raps ye'll fin' one before ye come t' wear specs. I'm a 
me 3k man, I be, 'n' the meek is promist t' inherit the airth. (Exit.) 

Widow. He's trying hard for the earth with meanness, instead of meek- 
ness. But Brother Poor, didn't I tell you so? (Curtain falls.) 

Teacher. B-9V. Dr. Deuteronomy Crabtree will now favor the aujience 
and skule with a few remarks. 

Dr. C. This is entirely unexpected to me and I deprecate the situation; 
however I can truly say I have been both entertained and instructed by 
this evening's proceedmgs. I do not desire to be critical or carping, but 
it has occurred to me, Firstly, that the early scholastic course now is less 
complete than in my youthful days, when cafcachefcical instruction was com- 
bined with the purely intellectual side of education . • Secondly, when I re- 
call the exhibitions of my adolescence, I recognize and deplore the fact, 
that at this epoch, there is a lamentable tendency toward the light and tri- 
fling in speech and composition. Thirdly, I fear that the colloquy, with its 
dress and acting, savors of the frivolity of the playhouse, with its demor- 
alizing associations. And yet it may have struck me more unfavorably be- 
cause it bore such a painful resemblance to the last donation-party that my 
parishioners inflicted on me in the field where I labored before coming to 
this parish. Fourthly, and in conclusion, I would remark, that on the whole 
the ezhibition reflects great credit on the instructor and pupils. 

Deacon Kicker, (who stammers, in the audience). I'd like t' say sun- 
thin'. (Teacher invites him to the stage). I wanter free my min' tu, fur 
I think like the parsou, that the col-ler-quy's too much like the the-ay-ter, 
'n' nex' winter I sh'l vote agin hirin' a marster who larns sich wickedness 
t' his skule. 

Visiting Teacher, (taking the master by the hand.) Deacon Kicker don't 
seem to like twittin' on fax; maybe he thinks of a d'nation-party he took 
part in about three years ago. 

Dr. 0. I have been misapprehended ; I did not stigmatize the colloquy 
as a theater but tending in that direction. 

Teachers, Deacon and Committee all talk at once and curtain falls. 

THE END- 



"Deestrick Skule" Manual, 50 cts. 
"Ex-er-bi-tfcm" Manual, $1.00. 
Sold by W. T. Jaquit>, Topeka, Kan. 




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